mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
