Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
