I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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