I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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