He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
