Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
