I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
