haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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