i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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