grandma shit on top of the toilet
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
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