I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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