i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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