Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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