It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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