While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
