God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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