How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
