thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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