He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
