I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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