3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
