Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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