dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
