did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Do you remember whose house we're in?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
