I met the friendliest cop last night
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
