I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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