I love having hate sex.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
they're like a gay fantastic four
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
