Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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