My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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