Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
