I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
