the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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