Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
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Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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