I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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