my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
We left the knife in your bed.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
