My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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