remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
