please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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