I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
