theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
