My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish they made helmets for livers.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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