There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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