why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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