nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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