my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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