broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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