DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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