Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
