it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
