Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
