I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
