rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
