Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
