Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
