bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
