I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Randomize
