i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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