Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
