these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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