dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
