Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
