hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
NoShamevember. You game?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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