White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
